Open Letter to America (Oh how could you!)

Dear America:

I am writing to you to convey my dismay at the way you treated that lovely Mr. Yusuf Islam. Do you know, I had been fully brainwashed by your propaganda. I firmly believed that yours was the land of the free, the worthy country that had created institutions such as Mom, Coke and Apple Pie (please excuse me while I dab at my eyes), the place where Sex, Drugs and Rock'n Roll go to die. To be perfectly honest, America, and if you'll pardon my somewhat common English, I wasn't half proud of you.

And now I hear that you denied entrance to that nice Mr. Yusuf Islam. Dear Lord, do you know who he used to be? More importantly, do you know who he IS? He has been a pillar of the Muslim community in London for years! He founded charities to fight hunger in Africa! He donates most of his royalties to noble causes! Well, maybe not Amnesty International and such but that must count for something, nevertheless. And he IS a Brit.

Surely you will not allow a minute thing like a fatwa for apostasy to cloud your judgement. Who can remember 1989 anyway? I did expect a bit more from you, you know. What his saying Rushdie was blasphemous and deserved to be killed amounts to is: he READ THE BLOODY BOOK and OF COURSE he found it BLOODY AWFUL! It induces catatonia in less that 5 paragraphs, it is an absolute waste of 549 pages and that can hardly be endured with fortitude. I rather badly wanted to throttle the man myself. (And don't be daft, he never supported Hussein, he supported AllSaints, the British girls band, for pity's sake. That is simply bad journalism.) So really, you do see how it could happen. Most unfortunate, I'm afraid. Do you think you could be overreacting just the tiniest bit?

Besides, Mr. Islam did clarify his former statement. He explained very articulately that a death penalty may be carried out only by a court of law. And quite frankly, America, so do you quite regularly (it does get a tad tiresome at times, you know. One shouldn't discuss such matters openly, it's all so unpleasant). Granted Mr. Rushdie is NOT poor, retarded or black. But he has an Indian posh accent, you do see how that can be MOST AGGRAVATING.

Really, America, I'd been led to expect more from you. And such a fine singer too. Leave the poor chap alone.

UPDATE: Oh the bloody idiot! Would you believe I received the most flaming email? Patriot, this is your homework: go look up sarcasm in the dictionary. (A dictionary is a very large book that lists words from A to Z and their definition. Books are wondrous things but even the easiest ones require some level of intelligence to be processed so you might want to not tax yourself. Dictionaries are available online.) And yes, I'm a bad American and you were right, I'm obviously a dyke. (My people also killed Christ, in case you hadn't noticed, that makes me a kyke dyke.) NEWSFLASH, you blinding git: you are the type of American we all fear. You are a waste of Indians. And it's YOUR comment, not YOU'RE comment, you freaking moron! Is that American enough for you? It's like a bloody epidemic. Now go repaint your trailer before Jerry Springer comes on.